Sugar High
by wallflowerwriter
Summary: "Did you really think me that dim-witted?" "Yes." "I wasn't even talking to you, Brown."


Written for a lovely nonnie on Tumblr who gave me the following prompt:  
Dick Strong-arming Stephanie and Jason into helping introduce comfort/junk foods to certain family members diets.

**Disclaimer**: Obviously, I don't own DC because if I did, none of these dorks would ever die. Ever.

* * *

"Jason, he has never once tasted white sugar," Dick widened his eyes comically in what Jason could only describe as puppy dog eyes. The Golden Boy was freakin' _crazy_ to try to pull that one on him. "And if that isn't bad enough, he doesn't even want to!"

The taller man straightened from his apartment doorjamb. "Let me get this straight. You want to introduce processed crap to a 10-year-old assassin who doesn't even want it? Isn't Gotham keeping you busy enough?"

"It's the principle of the thing. We're working through DreamWorks right now, and he's still refusing to eat the store-bought movie snacks until he's read the nutritional facts and" Dick affected Damian's voice eerily well, "deemed them worthy of ingesting."

Jason resisted the urge to slam the door in the idiot's face and finish off that ice cream in his freezer.

"We're watching _How to Train Your Dragon_ tonight."

His eyebrow twitched as he oh-so-subtly reached for the door.

"Look, Jaybird, he's a homeschooled assassin who fights crime for fun. I want him to have normal times too."

"I really couldn't care less so I'm just gonna go—"

Dick jammed his foot in the door. Stupid acrobatic reflexes. "I have a lead on your current case."

Jason's eyes narrowed. "A bribe? Really, Dick?"

"Yep!"

"No qualms about it. Just outright admitting it?"

"Soooo, see you at 7?"

"Will you give me a half hour with the creep?"

Dick grinned. "You can make do with ten minutes."

Perfect. He only needed five.

* * *

The cell's ringing sounded oddly distorted on speaker, but Dick figured it was worth not getting caught on the phone while driving. Especially considering he was, y'know, a cop.

"Hey-lo?"

"Hey, Steph! You up for movie night?"

"Uhm. Yes." Some shuffling noises as she switched the phone to her other ear. "What time?"

"Say, 7ish?"

"Sounds good. I'm even stopping by the store so I can totally bring some snacks if you want?"

Dick grinned. "Why, that's a fantastic idea. We're trying to get Damian to eat more junk food, anyway. See ya in a few hours."

People who didn't love Steph were wrong.

* * *

Damian stood in the kitchen, looking suspiciously between his two older brothers.

"And why he is here again? Didn't we just get rid of Drake?"

Jason did that weird eyebrow quirk thing, and Dick responded with a vague hand-wave, "Left the country." A significant pause. "Looking for Bruce."

"Ah," His brother nodded. "So that's why you invited me."

"What?"

"To replace the Replacement? If only Tim were here to appreciate the irony." Jason grabbed the only bowl of gummy candies left on the counter and headed for the door.

"Wait, Jason, that's not true at all."

"Forget it, Dick, I just came for that info on my guy anyway. C'mon, squirt, let's get this show on the road."

"_Squirt_?" Damian crossed his arms. Appalled. "I refuse, Grayson. I. Refuse."

"Too bad, you're coming anyway."

"And I am not eating candy."

"Yes, you are."

The doorbell rang then, three times in fast succession, before the door itself swung open.

"Hey, Dick!" Steph, hands full with groceries, shut the door behind her with her foot and nodded at the boy. "Brat-face."

"Brown." Dick could just _hear_ the enthusiasm in Damian's voice, and that's when he first realized that this could very well be a Bad Idea.

Acting oblivious to the Demon's less-than-stellar greeting, Stephanie pranced down the hall ahead of them. "So what movie are we watching anyway?"

"Hey, Steph," Jason greeted from his slouched position on the couch. "You get tricked into this too?"

"Whoa, you invited _him_?"

"Sittin' right here, ya know."

"Didn't realize you were so sensitive." She plopped next to him. "Hey, scoot over. We've gotta fit those two losers too."

Maybe this could still be a Good Idea. He nabbed Damian, who was trying to escape again, and settled next to him on the couch. Bruce could have afforded a bigger one, but Dick had a feeling the old man had secretly loved being squished by his family whenever forced to attend movie night.

Jason turned the TV on with the remote, and Steph squealed. "Oooh, I love this one. Have y'all seen the sequel yet?"

"No talking during the movie." Dick forgot about Jason's rules; yeah, this wasn't gonna work. Who did he think he was, anyway? Certainly not a dad and a pretty crummy brother at best. Look at how bad he messed up with Tim. And Tim was the _normal_ one.

"Oh, shaddup, you haven't even gotten through the previews yet. Can't you just hit the menu button?"

"It's not letting me."

"Have you tried skipping it?"

Jason handed the remote to her. "Why do I even try?"

Damian took this opportunity to glare up at Dick with his signature _I told you so _expression. Which was funny because this was how things were when going _well_. "Gummy bears?"

Another glare, but he saw Jason grin. Evilly. "Say, Dick, where's Alfred?"

"Visiting a friend from his MI6 days. Apparently she's only in town for a few days."

Jason reached for the bowl and took a handful of sour gummy worms. "That's rough."

Exaggerated morose suffused his tone. "Yeah, we even had to make breakfast."

"Cereal? That _is_ rough."

"Even worse," Dick shook his head. "No sugar, remember? We had to eat oatmeal." He shuddered for extra effect.

Damian snorted. "I don't know how you keep your body in the condition it's in, eating all that junk food."

"This no-talking-during-the-movie rule is starting to sound better and better," Steph chimed in.

Which she got shushed for by all except Damian. Who finally noticed the movie and, despite his claims that a movie based on training mythical creatures sounded preposterous and therefore useless, seemed quite interested.

"Why didn't you start with this movie anyway?" Jason passed the bowl of candies over Steph to Damian, who automatically passed it to Dick. So getting him to just absent-mindedly eat _some_thing probably wasn't gonna work.

"He wanted to watch them in chronological order." Dick set the bowl on the coffee table and reached for one of Steph's sack of goods. Finding the chips, he stretched open the Lay's before handing Jason the Doritos.

"Ew, sounds like Tim."

That jarred Damian's attention from the movie, and the ninja-assassin awarded Jason with an elbow jab to the ribs. "It's an efficient way of keeping track of what we have and haven't seen. Especially when there's so many of them."

"Yep," Jason smirked. "Sounds like Tim."

"You're an idiot, Todd."

"Takes one to know one."

Damian sniffed and returned his attention back to the more deserving Hiccup. "I don't see what the problem is. He just needs to train more and then challenge his father to a duel. Defeating him will secure his rightful position as chief of the village, and his people will finally respect him as well."

Dick's eyes widened as Jason stuffed his face with chips to keep from snickering too loudly. Stephanie whistled low. "You have so many issues, I don't know why it still surprises me. Speaking of which, I got you something." She rummaged her spoils until she finally spotted her "gift."

"There ya go!" She plopped a bag of candy in his lap. "Laffy taffy!"

Damian opened the bag and pulled a suspicious piece of candy out. "Is this the candy that has jokes on the wrapper?"

"Yep. And for every joke you read, you have to eat a piece of candy." Steph beamed triumphantly.

Damian raised an eyebrow before dropping the candy back in the bag and setting it on the coffee table. His eyes now pointedly fixed on the TV screen. Steph pouted.

Jason sighed. "Whelp, I'm gonna go fix a sandwich since Alfie isn't here. Dick, you wanna help?"

"No, I'm good."

"Dick, come help." Jason smiled as he picked up the bowl of gummy candies. "And we're taking this with us. I don't trust Steph alone with candy."

"Oh, whatever."

"If the shoe fits, Fatgirl."

"Shut up, Demon brat."

Before the bickering heated up further, Dick followed Jason into the hallway. "What was that about?"

"We're gonna make the tyke a salad."

"I think you're missing the point. More junk food, _less_ vegetables, remember?"

Jason gave his bowl of candy a slight shake as they entered the kitchen. "Oh, I know. Instead of using fruit to embellish it, we'll throw some of these in there. Cut up, of course. He'll never suspect a thing until he's bouncing off the walls."

"Brilliant."

* * *

Damian took one look at the salad and went, "No, thanks."

"Why not?"

Bruce's son pointed at the half-empty bowl of gummy candy. "Even you two couldn't eat that much candy and make a salad that quickly. Plus, this—" He forked one of the "fruit" pieces, "is definitely not fruit. Did you really think me that dim-witted?"

"Yes."

"I wasn't even talking to you, Brown."

Dick shrugged. "It was all Jason's idea; I didn't think it would work."

"Hmph, I don't see you coming up with any better ideas."

The acrobat just took a handful of M&M's, plopped some in his mouth, and, before any of his siblings could react, pinched Damian's nose shut and stuffed some in Damian's own mouth when he instinctively opened it for air. Jason quickly lunged over Steph to pin the boy down while Dick focused all his energy on (gently) keeping his little brother's mouth shut and chewing.

"C'mon, Damian, just swallow. It won't hurt," Stephanie cooed as the boy glared at them all.

He made a great show of gulping. Jason released him, but Dick held his mouth shut for a few more seconds in a vain attempt to make sure the kid wasn't faking.

"_That_ was disgusting."

After a quick check, Dick crowed. "You actually ate the candy!"

"And it tasted," He paused to make sure they were listening this time, "disgusting."

"C'mon, try some more. Give it a chance." Jason shoved the bowl of candy in his lap.

"Will you all stop bothering me if I do?"

The three looked at each other and back at him. Steph answered, "We make no promises."

Damian sighed. Seriously, these three year olds. "I will only eat more candy if we double my training tomorrow."

"Triple," Dick was quite amenable when breaking League of Assassin training was concerned.

"Also," Jason couldn't help but groan at yet another of the brat's addenda. "Can we start the movie over?"

"Oh, right, the movie," Steph held up the remote. "That can be arranged. But you have to start with the Laffy Taffy first."

Three bowls of assorted candy later, Dick, Jason, and Steph knew they had created a monster. The little ninja slumped against his eldest brother's torso. Dick found the cuddles (and even the drool) completely worth the hyperactivity the three had witnessed a mere forty minutes earlier.

"At least he didn't turn violent?" Dick proffered.

Steph shook her head. "I have never head anyone speak that much in such a short amount of time."

"You're one to talk," Jason snorted. "Quite literally too."

Dick interrupted that argument instinctively with his main concern. "You just know he's gonna swear us to secrecy when he wakes up."

"Then let's do this really fast while he's still conked out," Jason pulled out his cell and snapped a photo. "And before you whine, I've already texted it to the both of you."

A pause.

"Aaaand put it on Facebook."

"…you have a Facebook?" Steph pulled out her own phone.

Another significant pause. "…no?"

"Dude. I am totally sending you a friend request, and you had better accept it."

"Good luck finding me with my privacy settings."

Dick didn't even pretend to hide his grin.

* * *

**Jaybird 3:05PM**

I said I'd help you, not that I would _break into Wayne Manor_.

**Dickface 3:06PM**

Pleeeease? :(

**Jaybird 3:10PM**

Fine. But you owe me $25, plus tax.

**Dickface 3:11PM**

…just how much candy did you buy? o.O

**Jaybird 3:13PM**

Don't worry. The brat's not getting _all_ of it.

* * *

"Just what is the meaning of this, Todd?"

Dick would never admit it later, but the thought of sneaking back to bed sounded rather enticing at that moment. But, no. He was a mature, responsible young man. So he blinked sleepy eyes and flipped on the kitchen light switch.

Jason crouched on the counter, one hand braced against the bottom shelf of an open (and now empty) cabinet while the other lay flat-palmed against the counter. Said counter was cluttered with the kale and other veggies from the fridge, the bowl of fruit from beside the fridge, and jars of raw, unsalted nuts (Dick didn't even know you could eat them that way) from the cabinets. Bags of candy also sat innocently on Jason's left and slightly behind. Out of sight.

But Damian, from his vantage point of standing on the clean, clean counters (_Alfred was going to _kill_ him)_, easily spotted them. He thrust his katana past Jason and lifted the plastic bag with his sword. "Is this…candy?"

Jason rolled his eyes and glared at the man still standing shocked in the doorway. "Why didn't _you_ just replace all the healthy food, Dick?"

And the older brother honestly couldn't tell if Jason was just using his nickname or _calling_ him a name.

Not two days later, Stephanie stopped by with brownies. "I made too much, and there's no way I can eat all these — shut up, Damian — so I thought I'd bring by some extras."

Dick felt like face-palming, and Damian raised an eyebrow. "You could have at least put them in a different container, Brown. These were clearly bought at Wal-Mart."

A slight pause. "You know about Wal-Mart?"

* * *

So clearly his siblings are all goofs, and Damian's having none of it but hey. At least his plan to get them hanging out more worked perfectly.

He still really misses Tim though.


End file.
